A Note About this Saturday's Tourney in Innwood

From Matt:

Everybody who's planning to play in Saturday's King & Queen (and I
hope there are a lot of you), please be aware that the A is running
local this weekend. Allow an extra, I don't know, 30 minutes(?) to get
to Inwood. If you take the A, that is.

By the way, how many of y'all are playing?

From the Desk of Graham

With a smaller turnout tomorrow, we have thrown Graham's solid C++ programming into nothing more than a faulty vb script loop (not enough nerd humor on this blog--or most blogs for that matter). So it looks like we'll be running a mixed k&q, meaning that it's possible to crown two kings or more likely, two queens--and no Romeo, you can't be both queens.

So come tomorrow expecting a mixed setup for both pool play and the playoffs. One women's height net is not out of the question. BUT, it is out of the answer.

Again, from the desk of Graham...

$Bill

Head Count for Saturday

Despite potential Monster Truck Racing conditions, we're still going ahead with the nude mud wrestling in Inwood--sorry, I mean the King and Queen tomorrow. Damn hopes.

Todd, unfortunately, had a family emergency and will not make it, so if you emailed or contacted Todd directly about tomorrow, please either post a comment on the blog or email myself (bbowen8@gmail.com), or Graham (Graham.Spiers@gfigroup.com) today and let us know. Sung I have you as in. Phil, if I don't hear from you or see you Saturday, I'll assume your second date went VERY well.

$Bill

Innwood Tournament for Saturday October 13th

Hey Folks,

It looks as if Saturday is going to be a decent day after all, and Graham and I are itching to run a tournament.

You know the deal...

Who's in for this Saturday (8:30), and who can bring a net?

Beautiful Weather KO's Tourney

Sorry folks... but we are going to cancel the first Innwood tournament. Most people are playing in other beach tournaments, or just going to the beach because of the beautiful weather in the forecast. I'd like to entertain Long Beach, but it would make my weekend a little more difficult than I'd like.

We'll update you about the next one!!

Tournament Invite for 9/22/07

Graham and I would love nothing more than to kick-off the fall "King & Queen" volleyball tournaments this Saturday!

Place: Innwood Park (western most point of Dykeman Street)
Time: 8:30 arrival... 9am first spike
Price: $5

Commitment: Pool play will general last until around 2:30-3pm.

With this competition, you will be paired off with a new partner against two new opponents for each round. In most cases each player can expect to play anywhere from eight to ten games throughout the day.

We do rally scoring to 21.

Due to the various levels of play, we don't allow handsetting over the net.

Other than that... all other rules apply.

If interested, please respond in the comments section just below.

Also, a final recap (a shortened version) of the climatic spring showdown will be arriving later today!

So... who is in for Saturday? And can you bring a net?

Dizzy Bat Arrives in Europe!

The Finnish men's national volleyball team won their last six matches of the season in spectacular fashion in the World League. The last two matches were on their home court where they miraculously defeated the pool-leading Brazilian national team… twice! This series of events not only catapulted Finland into the playoffs, but enabled them to achieve a tie and to break it in dramatic fashion. 

Finnish head coach, Mauro Berruto, claimed that he never seen a chain of events quite like this before in his illustrious 26 year coaching career. He is referring to the following series of events:
Finland wins six straight matches.
Defeats Brazil in the last two matches which were crucial “must-win” showdowns.
Win/loss and head to head records, as well as point differential with Brazil, were all exactly the same!
The World League forgoes a coin toss and decides that they will follow the American precedence of resolving ties with a “dizzy bat” race.

The diminutive third string setter for the Finnish team, Marko SIIVONEN, was elected as the “closer” of the relay race due to his inability to drink. Marko is a constant sufferer from bed spins from always trying to keep up with the larger middle hitters on a “shot-for-shot” basis. His ability to find the bathroom… everytime… while his equilibrium is in a state of confusion, is what earned him the prestigious anchor position.

With the mounting pressure of Marko’s near heroic nocturnal bathroom adventures and the fact that the Finnish team was trailing the Brazilians by what seemed an insurmountable 3.2 seconds, Marko’s heartbeat began to race furiously as he was about to be tagged for his anchor run. As he spun the to the chorus of the both the judge and his teammates, “one… two… three… four… five…,” he began to experience his bed spin “high.” “Eight…. Nine… TEN!” Marko was off like a shot. The anchor spinner of the Brazilian team was ahead of him already at the bat at the opposite end of the course doing his second set of spins. With a slight stagger, Marko immediately corrected his course and darted to his bat at the other end. Once there he spun with furious abandon. At the call of “ten” he raised his head… steadied himself… and located the finish line back at the end from which he just came. As he started off he noticed the Brazilian power hitter ahead of him and for a second felt the doom of letting down his teammates. But in a flash he spied the Brazilian's erratic course out of the corner of his eye. The Brazilian stumbled, went airborne, and then collided into the bleachers… head first. Marko won with ease.

Finland went on to win the championship. Brazil was demoralized and didn't make it past the quarterfinals.

Mauro Berruto has brought to Finnish volleyball a very systematic, thorough approach to training, utilizing top-of-the-line training techniques and modern technology. He was very satisfied with the success this season… and even Marko. Although the his dizzy bat prowess has has not improved any real volleyball skillset of his, and he still remains as the third string setter… he is no longer made fun of for not keeping up with the heavy drinking middle hitters.

Amy, Matt, and Miami Carla on Discovery Channel's Cash Cab TV Show!!

Our very own Miami Carla, Amy and Matt are having a party tomorrow night at a bar called
Nikki Midtown, details below, starting at 9:00.

Why are they having this party... I think the subject line says it all...
they are going to be on a show called "Cash Cab!"


Details:

Location:
Nikki Midtown
151 E. 50th Street

When:
Tomorrow night!! Wednesday, July 25, 9:00PM

Carla says,

"Being dorks has finally come in handy for us three. Join us at Nikki Midtown to see how we "fare" on Discovery's TV Trivia Show "CAsh Cab". The show starts at 10, so come early and stay for drinks and snacks.

If your not in town catch it on Discovery Channel from 10-10:30

Don't forget your pocket protectors!"

July 4th/AVP Weekend Invite

The big summer holiday is already upon us? No plans yet you say... heck, I didn't even know what I was doing until about ten or fifteen minutes ago.

Here are my plans... spending Tuesday and Wednesday on the beach at Point Pleasant. Try to get to the beach in the afternoon on Thursday and Friday (later in the afternoon). Go to the beach on Saturday... maybe mix it up by going to the AVP in the late afternoon... and then the AVP in Seaside for the championships.... something like that. Probably have a cocktail or two in the evenings... grill... and maybe play some volleyball.

I have spoken to Tammy about accommodating people who want to come down to visit... some can stay with her, and some can stay with Martina and me. We'll work it out.

Let me know!

Pluto Demoted Again!!

Now it is not even biggest dwarf planet!!

Article written by Lester Haines, contributed by Graham Spiers... who loves proving his point!!
Published Friday 15th June 2007 08:51 GMT

Pluto has suffered a further humiliation following its 2006 ejection from the league of planets - official demotion to "second biggest dwarf planet" status.

The bad news is that Pluto is actually smaller than recently-discovered Eris, Reuters reports. More exactly, Eris is 27 per cent more massive than the former planet, according to calculations by Michael Brown and Emily Schaller of the California Institute of Technology.

The pair used data from the Hubble Space Telescope and the Keck Observatory in Hawaii to deliver this second blow to the lonely distant body. Although scientists had already determined that Eris's diameter (1,500 miles) exceeded that of Pluto (1,400 miles), they hadn't determined its mass.

Perhaps significantly, Brown "helped provoke the demotion" of Pluto, although he denied the latest findings were part of a campaign to discredit the US-discovered body. He told Reuters: "I don't think we're picking on Pluto. It's just the truth. It [Eris] just is more massive than Pluto. It's just the way it is."

Eris is appropriately named after an ancient Greek goddess of strife and discord. It's probably composed of rock and ice, as is Pluto, and follows a similar ellipical orbit round the sun.

Eris's slog around the solar system takes 560 years and carries it "anywhere from 3.5 billion miles to 10 billion miles from Earth", Brown said. Pluto does the same trip in a mere 250 years, and travels no further than five billion miles from our home planet, occasionally passing inside the orbit of Neptune.

Bootnote
We here at Vulture Central are starting to feel a bit sorry for Pluto, and have accordingly named it El Reg's "Most favourite non-descript orbiting object".

New "King & Queen" Sponsorship!

Smart Water has jumped on board the "King & Queen" band wagon!!



Also, look for the recap of the Memorial Day weekend tournament to come soon!

Photo by FINSTER!

Sheep's Meadow Volleyball - From Chris Bergmann

hi all,
Sorry for the group email. Checking in to say hi, and hope you are enjoying the start of full-on volleyball weather. I am trying to put together some midweek games on the courts at Sheep's meadow. I am available most days after 4 pm, and was wondering who might be interested in playing, 5-8pm-ish. wed and thurs are best for me.

Doubles, threes, or fours depending on who can show up. Move onto the sand if it is not crowded.
Let me know if you are interested, and i will keep you on the list.
If i don't hear from you, i won't contact you.

ciao
chris bergmann
917-378-5631
bergieny@yahoo.com

Where are they now!!

Hello Everyone!

Today I’m sitting here with volleyball veteran extraordinaire and Fire Island enthusiast, Gregg Weisser!

If any of you recall the last time we did this segment was about six years ago when I interviewed Mr. Altman. It was during this landmark conversation, that Jeff first confessed to the fact that many people easily confused him with Keanu Reeves. He had even begun to adopt Keanu’s slow… deliberate… and… monotone… way… of… speaking.

Today we focus on Mr. Weisser, a volleyball giant in his day who coined the favorite game-time slogan of, “feed the bear!” Gregg was a dominant middle hitter/blocker! This was especially frustrating for his opponents due to the fact that his feet never really left the floor. It is with that and his entrepreneurial mindset that his earned him the spot on the cover of the launch issue of the Fire Island Magazine, “Living the Good Life!”


























We begin the interview just after Gregg climbs out of his $7.5 thousand palladium lined hot tub. He slips on a silky powder blue robe, and then lights a cigar. He sits across from me in his elegant Monte Carlo Club chair with the cigar in his right hand and a glass of 62 year old port in his left. He takes a slow sip… savors it. Smiles… we begin.

"Hello Gregg!"

"Hi Todd."

"So Gregg, you’re on the cover of Fire Island’s “Living the Good Life,” pretty impressive."

"Well Todd… I’ve always said… Life is a canvas… and you paint the picture."

"I see… painting… canvas… So… the house looks great, and you look well… but what everyone wants to know, how did you do it? You’ve retired from work and from the world of competitive volleyball all within the same year. How?"

"Todd… life is like a mirror… you frown… it frowns back… you smile… it returns the greeting. Oh, I play some volleyball around here on the beach… pretty much beat up on the local competition these days. They still haven’t figured out how to play the wind. I relax now that I’ve made my fortune… you know slow down… smell the daisies."

"You mean roses?"

"No daisies. I just planted a bunch of them behind you on the side of the house."

"Right… but Gregg… the question… how did you do it?"

"Todd… life changes around every curve of the Shoprite food store… that the hen doesn’t always get the early bird with the juiciest slug… nor is life predictable… just like the seasons. Todd, this is primetime… life is in session… and there is no rerun."

I lean back in my chair, not quite sure as to what I just heard really meant. Gregg leans forward and whispers, “Porto-pottys.”

"What?"

"Imagine this… you’re being chased by a couple “Soprano” type individuals. There is a porto-potty just ahead. You jump in it in an effort to hide from them. But at the end, all they do is open the door and you’re caught. Done. Finished."

"I’m not following you."

"That’s the problem with the porto-potty… the entrance and exit is the same door! My idea that has taken off… and will revolutionize the porto-potty, is the “porto-potty” escape door."

"You're saying that you’ve invented a porto-potty with two doors?"

"No... one main door, and one escape door. The prototypical model has a few bugs… the escape door has the locking device on the outside, which doesn’t really work in escape-like situations, not to mention the obvious that people can easily walk in on you while doing your business… but we can easily fix that."

"That’s great news… well that seems to be all the time we have today… thanks Gregg… it was a pleasure."

"No problem… keep up the good work with those “Queens and Princes” tournaments… and remember, life is too short as to waste time uselessly."

"I agree… I think."

"For me… life is a breeze… for others… it is one head wind after another. Todd, you be a breeze… okay."

"Sure… will do… like the seeds of a dandelion... I'll blow with the wind... thanks."

Sunday Update!!

Our official “King & Queen” Sponsor!!





Here is the latest update for Sunday’s “King & Queen” tournament… almost 30 people are participating! Do I hear 30?! How about 35?!

















There is still time to join the tournament… and the party!

This Sunday’s tournament has been dubbed the Andrew (Carnegie/Weber/Lloyd Wright) Miller "King & Queen" Beach Volleyball Bonanza Extravaganza Double Bicep Pump 40th Birthday Party Classic!!

Party WILL be held at Sung’s palatial Palace (aka The Pit) immediately after the tournament. Get this... food will be provided! However, it is requested that you bring your drink choice.

Tournament start time is 9am! Please be there early to help set up nets. The last two people to arrive will be required to do tequila penalty shots with the birthday boy... we mean it!!

After the seventh round of tournament competition, the birthday boy will be required to knock out 25 push-ups and then perform 5 muscle poses of “Arnold” like proportions… this is always a crowd pleaser!

We will be playing west of the lifeguard house located on the beach… near National Blvd. Remember, the last train out of Penn Station to get you to Long Beach on time for the tournament is the Long Beach 7:48. If you elect to take the one after that… we’ll have a shot waiting for you!

This is the last tournament of the spring season… lets make it a blast! There is also a lot at stake here. Unbeknownst to most of you, we have been participating in our own “King & Queen” grand prix. Standings directly below show the top ten in men and women. Current results are based on performance in pool play, playoffs, “Stink & Drink” appearances, tequila shots consumed, ability to add and subtract simple numbers, and most of all… the ability to draw that fifth line diagonally across the four other hashmarks in order to represent a cluster of five accurately on the scoresheet.

Leaderboard stats brought to you by Patron!

















So, Mattster and Carla from Miami are both playing this Sunday… will they be able to hold on to lead? Come on out and watch the drama unfold!

See wondering if you want to play or not? If you decide, “hell yeah!” then simply… In the comment section… please provide the following information:


1. Will you be playing in the tournament?

2. Will you be able to bring a net?

3. Will you be attending the party afterwards?
4. Do you actually know Andy?

5. Will you be bringing a present valued at $100 or more?
6. Do you have an aversion to midgets and ponies?
7. Any other comments that will spark conversation!

8. Has anyone ridden a midget?

Memorial Day Weekend Tournament (Sunday) - Update

There is still plenty of time to sign up for this Sunday!! Don't forget... party at the Pit afterwards! Details are two posts below.

















In the comment section, please provide the following information:

1. Will you be playing in the tournament?
2. Will you be able to bring a net?
3. Will you be attending the party afterwards?
4. Do you actually know Andy?
5. Will you be bringing a present valued at $100 or more?
6. Do you have an aversion to midgets and ponies?
7. Any other comments that will spark conversation!
8. Has anyone ridden a midget?

Also, don't forget to check out Bill Bowen's first installment of Training Tips and Techniques for Fully Enjoying the King & Queen Experience: The Art of Serving the Weaker Player

Training Tips and Techniques for Fully Enjoying the King & Queen Experience: The Art of Serving the Weaker Player

By Guest Blogger, Bill Bowen

Since it’s inception in 1862, the rules of the King and Queen haven’t changed much from the rest of doubles volleyball save for three rules: You cannot pick on the weaker player, the ungodly rule of not allowing hand sets over the net, and that Todd always gets the best draw (I’ll save the latter two for future discussion). But just three rules to remember that are slightly different from the other volleyball tournament rules we play by throughout the year.

In today’s column, we’re going to look closely at strategies for the serving-the-weaker-player rule. Since this “rule” isn’t enforced, there’s no “do-over” or no penalty invoked when the weaker player is served, this is usually a good rule to exploit. There’s even the gray area sometimes of who exactly is the weaker player between Romeo and his female partners. Seriousness aside, the “pick on the weaker player rule” is simply a nicety that has cost many the better team from winning literally a couple of games over the years.

So let’s take a look at how we can take advantage of this rule while at the same time, making it look good enough to get your opponents to by you rounds of drinks at the Stink & Drink.

Tip 1: Always jump serve on game point. Nothing says “whoops” like a well timed, game point jump serve--especially if you haven’t done one the whole game. I use this method a lot usually in conjunction with tip 7 below.

Tip 2: Move to the side of the court where the stronger player is waiting to receive, pretend that you are trying to serve straight across the net to the stronger player, and then cut the serve at the opposite angle toward the weaker player. This has always been an effective strategy for me because it gives the illusion, by moving to the stronger player’s side of the court, that you are trying your hardest to serve the stronger player. I have usually been able to get away with this two or three times in a row before you may want to then resort to…

Tip 3: Serve underhanded. When you go to the underhand serve, you now appear to clearly be trying to better control your serve, all while purposefully still missing your target. This is an especially effective disguise on windy days, and again makes it appear more to your opponent that you really are trying to serve the stronger player.

Tip 4: Serve underhanded and high. After serving the weaker player underhanded a few times, try and serve the next one high enough to allow the stronger player time to get under it, even if it’s on his partner’s side of the court. By allowing the stronger opponent to receive that one serve, you buy yourself the chance to repeat steps 1-3 for another complete cycle.

Tip 5: Groan a lot. Immediately after making contact with any serve that is moving toward the weaker player, make a slight groaning sound to insinuate that you did not intend the serve to go in it’s current direction knowing all the while that you did. Sometimes this groan may be offensive to the weaker player when they hear it, because they may not feel that they are that much weaker than their partner, but mainly the groan is for the stronger player you are not serving to hear.

Tip 6: Pretend you don’t know the courtesy rule. I use this one a lot in the all-men’s games where courtesy still applies but few people are aware of it. Very rarely in regular men’s and women’s tournaments do you have say, an open player playing with a B player. But the teaming up of different levels of players happens almost every game at the k&q. You may have one match against an open player and a B player, where you are at least an A player playing with at least another A player or better. Just keep serving the B player with as many serves in a row as possible until the stronger player mentions the courtesy rule. Then simply say, “I didn’t know there was courtesy in the mens [/women’s] games too?”, in your most innocent voice possible. Again, you’ll need to do a good acting job on this both verbally and with body language and posture. Usually by the time the stronger player mentions it, you’re up by 5 or 6, the stronger player is a total head-case, and you can cruise to victory from there.

Tip 7. Apologize while the serve is in the air. Again this is all acting, but the “I’m really sorry. I can’t control it that well” vocal inflection is 98% of the effectiveness of the play. You can’t get away with this one every time, but once in a while, it’s a great tool.

Some other quick pointers for serving the weaker partner discreetly: 1) Serve as hard as possible on every serve. 2) Blame the errant serve on the toss or the wind. 3) Always have a half-finished bottle of beer next to the court to make it appear you’ve been drinking all day—even if you just poured out the half a bottle (can’t tell you how many times this has worked too). 4) Claim to be deaf in one ear. 5) Claim to have puked in the match just before the one you are playing.

That’s all for this week. Look for more King and Queen tips in next week’s article “What Happened to All the Single Chicks?”

Dollar Bill

Memorial Day Weekend Tournament - Sunday!!

Finally, info about the Next Tournament!!!

But first, a word from our sponsor: “DRINK CARLTON DRAUGHT!”






Before I get into this week’s tournament, here is a quick recap of the last two weeks:

Weekend of 5/12 – Hiatus
Weekend of 5/19 - Cancelled due to brilliant sunshine

Yeah, that’s right… I don’t know what happened up there in Long Beach, but I woke up to the warmth of radiant sunshine… and immediately cursed the forecasters who spelled out doom and gloom for our weekend.

So… what else happened this week…

We had considerable conversation about Rick’s wedding in Paris. Congrats to Rick and Nathalie… I think. We did have our very own “King & Queen” paparazzi hiding out in the church in Paris (yes our very own wedding crashers).

Here are some highlights:
1. Bomb explodes in a car in front of hotel in Nimes. Rick's cousin apparently saw it, but no one was nearby when it happened… doesn’t every wedding need a little excitement beforehand?
2. We think Rick got married, but It is not really certain yet as to who married who.














3. Rick has had a smile plastered to his face all weekend long. Sources are not sure if it is due to his marriage to Nathalie (we think he married her), or the fact that Tammy suggested the three of them get married.















4. There was a lot of kissing and way too much Frenching involved. However, our insider did mention that they didn't see Tammy French kissing anyone, but did see her kissing a Frenchman.
5. The next day after the wedding, Andi and Tammy were M.I.A. Rick however was still smiling…. Perpetually…. And walking with a noticeable limp.
6. The airlines lost Erika and Jan’s luggage. They had to wear the same clothes all weekend .
7. The volleyball table was named "Bacchus" after the Greek god of wine and intoxication. Representing proudly, our group outlasted the wine and champagne reserves!
8. Newly created buzz word: "EURO buns!” At first it was used for an American male butt in European underwear. Later on, it was used for all european butts.

On a different note... country... congrats to all of you who live in NYC. Last week NYC was voted the safest city the in the U.S. You say to me, “surely you jest!” Nope… safest city in the U.S. for mail carriers. Last year there were zero dog attacks on the carriers of our fine city. The postal service has a few golden rules for mail carriers. My golden rules is this:

If you believe a dog is about to attack you, try to wedge something between it and you… like any person who is smaller than you such as an elderly person or a small child. This human shield will allow you the time to escape. But don’t fret over this tactic too much. If you do find yourself in serious remorse afterward, just remember the first two Spartan rules of engagement; survival is for the fittest, and live to fight another day.

Also in the news, Melinda Doolittle was voted out of the American Idol contest. I hate to see when the really talented ones get shot down. Long live Sanjaya!

Pluto is a PLANET! But... Saturn is really cool!

The "dark side of Saturn" - backlit from the Sun. You can see Earth on the left side... look really hard!














Okay… this week’s tournament!!

This Sunday… the Andrew (Carnegie/Weber/Lloyd Wright) Miller "King & Queen" Beach Volleyball Bonanza Extravaganza Double Bicep Pump 40th Birthday Party Classic will be held in Long beach!! Party at Sung’s palatial Palace (aka The Pit) will be held immediately after the tournament. The Palace is just a mere few walking blocks from the tournament site. Food will be provided, including cake and pudding. However, it is requested that you bring the poison of your choice… for drinking purposes only.

Tournament start time is 9am! Please be there early to help set up nets. The last two people to arrive will be required to do tequila penalty shots with the birthday boy.

After the seventh round of tournament competition, the birthday boy will be required to knock out 25 push-ups and then perform 5 muscle poses of “Arnold” like proportions.


















We play at the Edwards Street location… which is just west of the National Blvd… make a right when you get to the boardwalk. Walk past the lifeguard house located on the beach (can’t miss it… and then you can’t miss us!)

Remember, the last train out of Penn Station to get you to Long Beach on time for the tournament is the Long Beach 7:48.

Now for the tricky part…

In the comment section, please provide the following information:

1. Will you be playing in the tournament?
2. Will you be able to bring a net?
3. Will you be attending the party afterwards?
4. Do you actually know Andy?
5. Will you be bringing a present valued at $100 or more?
6. Do you have an aversion to midgets and ponies?
7. Any other comments that will spark conversation!

"King & Queen" for this weekend (5/19) is cancelled

Sorry folks... it just isn't looking all that promising this weekend.

Jill from Texas... please e-mail me at todd2092000@yahoo.com. I'll add you to the master e-mail list!

Saturday Prognosis

We are watching the weather... and will probably make a decision tomorrow morning. If we cancel for Saturday, we are going to cancel for the weekend.

Stay tuned... and perform some orgiastic rooftop rain rituals!

Long Beach Tournament Invite for Saturday the 19th... of May

This upcoming Saturday... we crack the 70's! Perfect beach volleyball weather.

I'll get right to it... other than Rick, who is getting married in France this weekend, who wants to play? Who can bring a net? To sign up, all you have to do is click on the "comments" and give me your name... favorite ice cream... and best tale about creative use of pudding.

Recap from last week's tournament will be posted shortly.

Any pre-tournament victory predictions?

Web Site News and Housekeeping

As a reminder, the next two tournaments are scheduled for Saturday the 19th, and Sunday the 27th of the Memorial Day Weekend. The Sunday tournament is also the Andrew Miller 41st Birthday Extravaganza Spectacular. This party will be held at the Pit afterwards (Sung's Palatial Palace). More details will follow.

Also, just to keep this site fresh, there will be an attempt to update content on a more frequent basis. It may not be all volleyball related... hopefully lots of funny stuff (just as a five minute diversion during your day) of some thoughts, weird insights, heated debates... and probably a few rants.

I won't be the only one writing...

Mass e-mails will still only go out for tournament news... or for some reason a seriously intense conversation breaks out on a certain subject that all of you should see.

So keep on the lookout... feel free to engage in conversation... and as Graham would say, "have fun!"

Recap for Long Beach 5/6 Tournament

Last week’s recap was given by Sung. This week we have a new presenter. Boys and girls… Ladies and gentlemen of all ages… I now introduce the incomparable Graham!! (applause, applause).

 Just as last week, the audience again quickly falls silent. Graham quickly darts out from behind the red curtain on the stage. As Sung did, Graham stops directly in front of the microphone. He peers out to the audience with that sheepish Graham-like smile… “Hello!” The audience responds back, “Hello!” Alongside the microphone is a stool with one tall eight-ounce glass of Poland Spring Vodka… one of the finest products distilled and distributed out of the foothills of southern West Virginia. If you ever get the opportunity to visit… just remember one thing… to “squeal like a pig.”

Graham sights the vodka, “oh, my favorite.” He takes a small sip from the glass. Chokes for a second as his eyes immediately begin to glaze. As he recovers he says, “Recap… right.” “My name is Graham,” he says. “Hello Graham,” replies the audience in unison. He reaches for the glass again, and takes another sip, “mmmmm… vodka good…. Right… recap.” He begins.

Graham’s Recap:

It's cold.
I hate the wind.
I hate the wind.
I hate the wind.
The wind is my best friend.
I hate the wind.
I was wrong, pizza is a good lunch at the beach.
I hate the wind.
The wind is my best friend.
I hate the wind.

It was a windy, nice, windy day. Carolina and Matt won! They beat Miami Carla and Long Beach Chris. It was fun to watch.

Graham finishes, “Have fun.” He quickly walks off stage. A few seconds elapse and Graham returns with the same quick pace. He retrieves the glass of Poland Spring vodka and then makes his way to go off stage. Just before he gets to the curtain he stops and looks out to the audience, “Pluto is not a planet,” he says, and once again departs.

Ahhh… right to the point, yes. I’m willing to bet that most of you wish that our recaps were always that short in length, right? Not to be a roiling sea of swirling rhetoric. As thorough as Graham was, I will take a moment or two to fill in a few of the missing “event” pieces.

Tournament Highlights:

• It was really windy.
• It was really cold.
• Leah left the tournament in the second round after falling ill from eating a Twinkie. She was informed by Tammy that the yellow cakelets have ingredients that are mined from deep within the earth. Ingredients such as a drop or so of petroleum, a smattering of coal tar, a skoosh of carcinogenic benzene, and a topping of chlorine used to bleach the flour. The shelf life of a Twinkie according to Tammy is somewhere between 25 to 50 years…. Nummy, nummy, nummy. The good news is that they are still tasty… and will hold you over in your underground bomb shelter for the entire two decades of the nuclear fall-out and holocaust.
• It was really, really windy.
• It was really, really cold.
• Darlene caught her own serve. “It was the craziest thing!” she said, “ it went up to the net, and then blew all the way back to me,” she added. The opposing team was not impressed by this feat and considered the “serve and catch” ploy as an actual serve and not just an errant toss. A side-out was awarded to them.
• It was windy and cold.
• Jerry Garcia… some of you may have heard of him… used to be in a little stage band called the “Grateful Dead.” Yes, no? They were an obscure group. Anyway, his musically inclined distant cousin, Freddy Garcia, has teamed up with Eric LeCain, whose stage name is Cherry, to record their first album together (I Love Chocolate and Cherries) to be released this June. Until then the “Cherry & Garcia” duo will be touring malls throughout Long Island and in northern New Jersey. Rumor has it that Freddy will be performed his smash hit, “Serendipity,” which is a song that features 12 minutes of pure entertaining silence! Feel free to e-mail these two for more touring info.
• The final was really fun to watch.
• Long Beach Chris and Miami Carla have been teamed up twice now in the playoffs, and have advanced all the way to the finals in both occasions.


Sunday evening “Stink & Drink:”
Everyone went home to have soup and to warm up.

Other upcoming tournaments:
Our abbreviated spring season is quickly coming to an end. We have two more tournaments that we want to run prior to the summer months. Next week will be a hiatus week in honor of all of our mothers out there. The week after (5/19), we are considering the rebirth of the “Shot” tournament. Please weigh in and let us know if you would be interested in that.

The second tournament is on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend. It will be following by a “gi-normous” party at Sung’s palatial palace to celebrate Andrew’s 40th birthday party. I don’t know who he is, but it sounds like it’ll be fun with all of the talk surrounding clowns, balloons and pony rides.

New Count for the Long Beach Sunday (5/6) Tournament

Looks to me as if there will be plenty of women's matches on Sunday!!

There is still time to sign up!!

It's easy to get to. Just take LIRR to the Long Beach stop... simple. Last train to be at the tournament on time leaves Penn Station at 7:48.

Any last minute changes, can't come... out late last night... looks like rain... please call Zak at 908-309-7958.

The "cool" players for Sunday are listed below:

Men:
Graham - 1 net
Zak - 1 net
Gus
Sung
Matt
Romeo (98.8% sure)
Long Beach Chris - 1 net

Women:
Tammy - 1 net
Andi - 1 net
Lisa from Snowy Mountain
Big Lar
Chris B.
Darlene
Carolina
Carla from Miami
The Amy
Leah
Anna
Nicky

Participants for the 5/6 Long Beach Tournament

Remember, this Sunday is going to be another beautiful day!

Participants thus far for the Sunday 5/6 Long Beach Tournament are:

Men
Graham +1 net
Zak + 1net
Gus
Sung
Matt

Women
Tammy +1net
Andi +1 net
Lisa from Snowy Mountain
Big Lar
Chris B.
Darlene

Who else is in? Who can bring a net?

Recap of the Long Beach 4/28 Tournament

It’s late Saturday evening… A layer of foggy mist swirls around in the air just above the ground. The streetlamp at the corner provides an ominous atmosphere of dread. A cab driving up to curb eases to a stop. It sits there idling for a few minutes. Slowly the back driver’s side door opens. A leg extends from the vehicle… within twenty to thirty seconds another comes forth. With both feet finally on the ground a hand reaches for the top of the open door and is used to help haul their body up and out of the cab. The task is accomplished with great effort. Once upright, the individual sways a little to the right, and then a little to the left. Arms are extended as one would when crossing a tight rope for balance. Once secure the individual begins to gradually lower their arms. A half step is taken, but is cut short when a large crash is heard by a nearby garbage can. The startled individual immediately lifts their head to find the source of the loud clang… and immediately begins to lose their balance. Falling backwards, they topple back into the cab… only to smack their head on the car roof first. The cab remains idling, and all is quiet for another thirty seconds. Stretched out on the back seat with their feet still planted on the asphalt, one could hear the passenger address the cabbie, “no… no… don’t get up… I’m okay… yeah… I’m okay.”

This poor individual was none other our Matt on his return from another successful “Stink & Drink.” How did he get this way? What was the reason for such intoxication? Perhaps we will discover why later on in this recap…

Interesting fact...
At three minutes and four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May, the time and date will be 02:03:04 05/06/07.

Another action packed tournament was held this past weekend. We saw everything from dazzling plays to cataclysmic collisions, (eyewitnesses claim that I was hit by a scud) to even the first beach doubles “double block” of this early season?

I know, you’re thinking who in their right mind would attempt a double block on the beach? Well I’ll tell you who… me… I would! I personally blame it on a synapse misfire. The doctor warned me about mixing the green pills with the blue ones… but no… I wouldn’t listen. Now I’m out on the beach trying to perfect a double block. What kills me is that when you sprint 75 feet for an errant pass, throw your body another 12, get the touch and send the ball back to the net for your partner to hit straight down… no one sees that. No one sees the spike that rockets off the sand and lands on a condo balcony 135 feet away… nope. However, perform your very first beach doubles “double block” and everyone in the world happens to be watching your net when you attempt it. Perhaps I thought Graham would be fooled, and would try to power it through the massive wall that was thrown up against him. But silly me… I forget that Graham has been playing for years… and easily recognizes a double block… especially in doubles. With unabashed resolve, Graham merely placed a “well executed” roll shot over our heads. But then anything would have been considered to be “well executed” had it landed on any of the additional 178 square feet of court beyond the two feet that we had blanketed. Look for more posts on my instructional beach doubles series that include the following topics on how to improve your game:

The double block
The “I” formation defense
The “No man’s Land” run and duck
“One Ball” winning strategies
And the ever popular backwards serve where everyone else knows where the ball is going but you.

All this plus much, much more!

On another note, I must say that the Miami South Beach exchange program is working extremely well. At the beginning of the season Graham, Zak and I discussed implementing an exchange program with the South Beach crew. A group of us have done this many times before in restaurants. The premise is simple… an idividual from your table ventures over to a nearby table of diners bearing food and alcohol as gifts. Eventually they in return send their representative to our table with their food offerings. We generally accept. Over the years, and many table exchanges, we have discovered that this works best when our table is all men, and the other table is all women. This is the idea in which the Miami South Beach exchange program was created. Thus far the results have been simply smashing. New and talented people such as Jorge, Freddy Garcia, and Miami Carla have come up to play in our tournaments in an effort to spread good will from one beach community to another. They have brought volleyball gear, lines, Carlton Draught (the Florida state beer), great attitudes, and amazing volleyball. We have embraced them and have brought them into our fold. However, we do feel as if we have benefited tremendously out of this deal. While they sent up three outstanding players… we sent down… Louis the Lawyer with three-dozen tubes of saran wrap and a jar of peanut butter. We have considering this a “win-win” situation… except perhaps for the remaining players still down in South Beach.

And now for the highlights of the tournament and the “Stink & Drink,” where the mystery of Matt is solved.

And now, I’d like to introduce to you today’s guest speaker/writer… Sung Chung ladies and gentlemen (applause, applause).

The audience becomes silent. Several seconds tick past. Finally, a calm Sung casually strolls out from behind the red curtain on the stage. He stops directly in front of the microphone. He doesn’t speak. He takes a long moment to carefully survey the audience… wondering, “will it be a good night… is this a receptive crowd… do I have sweat stains forming at my underarms?” He clears his throat… still silence throughout. He taps the microphone, “IS THIS ON!!!!” His voice booms as it is mixed with piercing squelch. Embarrassed he slinks back for a second, “sorry,” he says, “I’m not use to this.” Once again composed, he begins…

Sung’s Recap:

This week’s King & Queen was reminiscent of “Heart of Darkness”, Joseph Conrad’s novella published in 1902 about an adventure into the Congo River aboard a ferry-boat, in search of that ever-elusive bald white whale named Moby. I read this book back in high school, so I can’t quite recall how the author reconciled a sea-based mammal wandering up the Congo, but that’s really here nor there.

Our decent into the Heart of Darkness was captained by one Todd Serad. He was trying to recover from a Chinese meal that didn’t quite agree with him. Then, he got up at some ungodly hour (5am maybe) to pick up Romeo and make it to the tournament on time. By the second game, he had twisted his ankle, and for good measure, I gave him a mui thai knee kick to his hip flexor that I learned from watching hours of Ultimate Fighting Championships.
Romeo, on the other hand, had been temping in my office for about a week. He stayed briefly at a going away party of my colleague. Although lacking sleep, he was in fairly good shape to begin the day, not realizing what terrors were in store for him.

As for me, Friday was my fourth outing in five days. Romeo only stayed at the first bar, but we would eventually hit three different bars, and by the time I got to my house in Long Beach, it was two in the morning. I got up tired, hung over, and grumpy, hence my mui thai knee kick to Todd’s hip flexor.

The tournament was able to attract only three women, Darlene, Big Lar, and Amy “the Fluke (formerly the Flounder)” Fletcher. So we were going to run a non-gender specific tournament with 13 people, but wouldn’t you know it? We were missing that schedule, so we divided everyone into As & Bs and started the tournament with three nets.
This tournament was our introduction to Jorge. He is not too tall, but he can jump, and he covers the whole court and picks everything up. Here are a few facts about Jorge:

• In roughly the time it takes for someone to sneeze, Jorge can cover about 1.12 miles.
• When the Flash was sick at home with the flu, Jorge substituted for him at the Justice League. Only Superman was any wiser.
• Along the same principles as the Shinkansen, the Japanese bullet trains, there are electromagnets underneath Jorge’s feet that allows him to hover over the sand, eliminating any friction while providing faster movements.
• Although Jorge loves beach volleyball, he is not to keen on the sand itself. If anybody makes Jorge dive for a ball, a member of his cartel will kidnap your firstborn. Seriously, don’t mess with Jorge.

The pool play included several men’s games, co-ed games, but for men against women games, we often swapped partners. When the smoke cleared, the top two teams Jorge & Matt and Darlene & Terry had byes. The third seed, Todd & I would face Freddy and Big Lar, while Christian and Romeo squared off against Rick and Graham, now referred as “the team with the combined age of 94” or “Team 94” for short.

Normally, Todd & I play well together. In fact, during pool play we notched a win against a formidable men’s team. However, against coed teams, we had put the “in” in inept, and thus far put up a bagel in the win column. Perhaps it was psychological, perhaps our opponents saw a hole in our defenses, or perhaps Todd still had a tinge of animosity for that mui thai knee kick to his hip flexors. Regardless, we were cautiously optimistic against yet another coed team.
Freddy and Lar took the early lead, with strong serving and precision shot placements. As the lead got wider, the crafty Belgian started taunting us, jutting out her buttocks and slapping it, rolling her fingers under her chins, followed by a birdie. What did we do to deserve this? Now, there are only two things I can't stand in this world; people who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch. In addition to French, Belgians speak Flemish or just another fancy way of saying Dutch. Do the math people, do the math!!!

At this point, I decided to whip out my secret weapon, the jump serve. I racked up point after point, to eventually tie up the score. Eventually we pulled ahead and surged on to victory.

“Sung, you alright? Snap out of it!” Todd said.

Was I delusional? I don’t jump serve! Laurence hadn’t been obnoxious! And it was us that were on the verge of losing. What happened? How much of this game had I missed?

“C’mon Sung, we can still do this.”

Todd’s words of encouragement actually stirred some anger in me. As I looked over at Todd and contemplated a second mui thai knee kick to his good hip flexor, a serve came whizzing down my line… and it was game over for the walking gimp and the sleeping lush.

On the other side, Team 94 had defeated Christian & Romeo, and would now face Matt & Jorge, while Freddy & Big Lar would face Darlene & Terri in the semi-finals. Team 94, the crowd favorite among the older folks like myself, held their own but would eventually fall to the maddening defense demonstrated by Matt & Jorge, while Freddy & Lar initially frustrated by deep arching shots from Darlene & Terri would be victorious.

In the final, once again the stifling defense of Matt & Jorge proved too much for the Cinderella team of Freddy & Lar. Matt & Jorge became the King & King? As everyone congratulated the winners, Todd explained that winner had to do shots, and if one partner left, the other would have to do both shots. At this point, I sneezed, and Jorge had disappeared, and coincidentally, so did all the women.

That left Todd, Romeo, Matt, Graham, Rick, and I. We headed over to Sutton Place for the Stink & Drink. Matt had to do his shots as well as Jorge’s. The rest of us also had our share of tequila and Jaeger shots, but when orders for car bombs began, I knew we were headed into the Heart of Darkness. I stated that nothing good could come of this. How prophetic I would be. I avoided the car bombs because I was the designated rider… of my bike… to my house…

Wit our many rounds of “car bombs,” Romeo was consistently the first to finish. Rick talked about how he wanted to be home for when his young fiancée and her nubile friends would arrive from her bachelorette party. Rick’s bride to be is French, and Romeo kept pointing out to Rick that french fries is redundant to the French and to just say fries when in their presence! Hmmm… I speak French, but somehow Romeo had me convinced.

Another car bomb, maybe the sixth or seventh, with a warning from the waiter not to slam the pint glasses down. Take a guess if anybody heeded his warning.

As the night wore on, we had our first casualty. Matt passed out sitting up, with a meditative or a vegetative trance, I couldn’t tell which. Rick repeated his need to rush home to greet nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, and three French hens, and his fiancée in a pear tree. I was praying “hen” was a euphemism for women, otherwise, I would rather not know.

We headed out to the parking lot. Matt, Graham, and Rick could no longer accompany us into the Heart of Darkness. Rick had one thing in mind, and somebody had to turn back with Matt. Unfortunately it would have to be Graham. Todd and I looked on as Rick drove away, while the silhouette of Graham slowly disappeared toward the train station. I was amazed at the hulking sight. He was packing on his back and right shoulder a large bag, two nets, a cooler, a chair, a sack full of volleyballs, all the while dragging Matt’s limp body by his ankles with his free hand.

We turned around to see Romeo in the middle of the parking lot in a fetal position sucking his thumb. “Romeo, are you alright?”

“Go on without me.”

“No one gets left behind. No one! C’mon, get up Romeo.”

Once we got Romeo into Todd’s car, we all headed over to my house. We quickly dropped off our stuff and headed over to J.W. Trainors which has been revitalized ever since PattyFest. More shots were had. Then Todd and Romeo, and two of our bartenders, did yet another car bomb, and once again Romeo was one of the early finishers. A slice of pizza later, Romeo decided to call it a night, while Todd & I continued our conversation and drinking for a while.

When we returned to the house, we saw the TV on, with Romeo passed out on the couch with a garbage can between his legs and fresh make-up on. We couldn’t figure out which was more bizarre, the garbage can or the make-up. I could only assume that my tenant Jeanne must have thought that the peacefully sleeping Romeo was dead. I had to admit, Romeo makes a pretty attractive Juliet. He stirred and explained to us that he had been throwing up all night. Like I said, nothing good came of this. When Romeo finally decided to turn in, he took the garbage can with him, just in case.

The next morning, Todd and Romeo were ready to depart. We never did find that ever-elusive bald white male name Moby. I couldn't quite reconcile why a Brooklyn-based musician would be wandering around Long Beach, but that's really here nor there. Todd had successfully navigated us through the Heart of Darkness, alive and well, but not without costs. Romeo was now permanently attached to the garbage can, like Linus' security blanket, he insisted on taking it with him wherever he went. He also developed the habit of cleaning himself like a cat, by licking his hand and rubbing them over his face to clean that layer of make-up that has since been smeared all over the pillow case.

As Todd was ready to pull out of my driveway, I got up on my desk and said, “O, captain, my captain.” The headmaster was yelling at me to step down, while I saw a tear form in Todd’s eyes.

“Sung, snap out of it,” Todd said.

Damn it. Another dream sequence. That would explain the desk and the headmaster appearing out of nowhere. By the way, I didn’t like your tone there Serad. Be careful I don’t give you another mui thai knee kick to the good hip flexor.

Epilogue
Rick did have his fantasy night with his 70 virgins, and has a permanent grin plastered to his face. Although he didn’t have to sacrifice himself in the name of Allah, he did lose all sensation below his waist less than a month away from his wedding.

Todd and I can vividly recall the image of Graham dragging Matt away by his ankles, but since then Graham has been nowhere to be seen. He hasn’t made it to work, he doesn’t answer his cell, wait, wait, he doesn’t own a cell, ok, so that’s not that shocking, but really, nowhere to be seen. No body, no crime.

Matt’s condition quickly deteriorated, and now he is nothing more than a vegetable, a turnip to be exact. Amy “the fluke” Fletcher is tending to him, but the prognosis is not good. To his own partner in the playoffs, Jorge, have you no decency?

As for me, I have noticed that whenever I strike up a conversation with a striking woman, I end up sneezing, and when I open my eyes, she and every one of her cute friends are gone. That Jorge is playing with me. Then, I have deduced a more ominous plot in the works. You see, Jorge had lost only two games the whole day en route to becoming King. Both of his losses were against me… one when I was playing with Matt, the other when I was with Graham!

I am the only victor still alive and functioning, but I live in perpetual fear of what may happen next, if and when Jorge changes from playing simple games to exacting his terrible revenge. I may not be around by the time you read this. I believe in Keyser Soze, and I am deftly afraid of Jorge from Miami!

Where in The World is Bill Bowen?

Several of you keep asking me about Bill and where has he been hiding since his near victory in the first "King & Queen" of the spring season. I finally did get to speak to him. Loaded up on codeine, darvacets and some sort of fish paralyzer, he relayed to me this terrifying ordeal that hopefully no one else will ever have to experience:

"I came out to Tahoe this week to get married and ski, and well, to make a long story short, on the second day of the honeymoon, I was cornered by a tandem of ferocious bear cubs while skiing off trail. The only escape route I had was to try to clear a 20 foot wide ridge, and needless to say, I didn't make it!

I fought off the bear cubs with my ski poles and knocked one unconscious with my right boot before the other scurried away, but not before I cracked one rib on the fall down the chasm, and another rib on a head butt by the smaller bear.

The bad news/good news overivew is this... I will be out of commission for about six weeks. The good is that I was still able to consummate the marriage!"

Long Beach #3 Tournament Invite

The recap for this past weekend will be coming tomorrow... or Thursday. In the meantime, we didn't want to hold up the invite for this upcoming weekend. Phil has once again guaranteed a beautiful weekend... and with knowing that, we have decided to hold the third Long Beach tournament for this spring.

Knowing that Sutton Place is restricting us access to their establishment for this Saturday only (due to a few of us passing out at the bar... and on the floor of the bathroom... and in the parking lot at last week's "Stink & Drink"), we have elected to hold the tournament on Sunday (5/6)! Feel free to continue on with the fine beer guzzling tradition under the boardwalk during the day. If you do drink beer... make it a Carlton Draught!

Therefore, who is in... and who can bring a net?

Also, be on the look out this week for our "King & Queen Leaderboard," sponsored by Patron... "redefining tequila."

The Sandbox

It is Saturday morning... 7am. Patrick, barefooted, pads out to the side of his yard. He is wearing a white terry cloth robe... his eyes are drowsy. He has built a small sandbox, he claims it is for his nephew when he comes to visit, but this sandbox has another purpose. To Patrick, this sandbox is his new official test of sand warmth. He gingerly steps onto the sand expecting the worst... as one would when sticking their big toe into the ocean water in March. With both feet now firmly planted in the box, he begins to wiggle his toes. While in deep evaluating thought, he furls one eyebrow while scrunching the corner of his lip and left cheek. Within a few seconds of this analysis, Patrick drops his shoulders and declares, "no... just not feeling it today... the rooster trophy will have to wait for another day." He slowly pads back to his house to get more sleep.

Long Beach For Tomorrow (4/28)

So far we have a light showing. The weather/rain we see today will be gone by 2am tonight... about the same time Patrick settles in for the evening at the beach. By 8am the temp will be up to 58... 60 by 9am. The high will be once again flirting with 70!

At this moment we have the following:
Men
Me + 1 net
Graham
Matt
Sung
Patrick
Jorge
Rick

Women
Carla from Miami
Darlene
Big Lar!!

We still want to play, but with the limited women, we are more likely to shift to a "non-gender" specific tournament. Let me know if that is a problem with anyone. Also, if you are still interested in playing... there is still plenty of time to sign up. Just click on the comment button and give me a resounding "yea!!"

9am... Long Beach!
Post party: Sutton Place... lets trash this joint!

Recap for Long Beach 4/21 Tournament

Bravo! Great tournament this weekend in Long Beach! A very good crowd… pleasant spring like conditions, a little wind… a little bit of beer, and some good competition! This is the type of tournament that I have missed… a good group of people having fun. When I think about it… I always get this feeling of how lucky I am to be in the middle of it all. I did it this weekend… and I always did it at the East Meadow. At the beginning of every tournament, I’d sit for a few minutes and watch everyone warm up. It is the only time during the day that you can watch the balls on both sides of the court of each net bounce back and forth at the same time. It really is a cool sight.

Before I continue further, I must officially give props to Zak for reviving a tournament that was practically on its last gasp. Special thanks once again go to Phil and his Mystical Merry Men. Without them this weekend would never have been possible… and even though several of you inquired about the mysterious ranks of the Merry Men, Phil has never divulged that information to me. As far as I know, it could be the guy playing on the court right alongside of mine. Or the guy whose beer from which I just took a long satisfying pull. I just don’t know.

Long Beach is an ideal location, and provided the forecast holds up for this weekend, we will be back this Saturday. For May, we look to go back to Innwood for a couple more
“King & Queen” events… and also hold a shot tournament! Man… it’s been awhile since we’ve had one of those!! The season finale will be in Long Beach during Memorial Day weekend. Diana and this guy (Andrew Miller – I don’t really know him, but he gives good e-mail) will be organizing some kind of big bash as a post tournament event. Obviously there are many more details to follow, but you can mark your calendar now! There are also preliminary discussions about actually holding a “King & Queen” in Miami this upcoming fall season… the main sponsor is supposedly Carlton Draught.

As this tournament gets more and more popular, it is amazing what some of you will do to make it to one of these “King & Queen” tournaments. Lets take this weekend for example… shall we?

Patrick arrived at the beach somewhere around 3am. True to his word, he was going to test the sand for the degree of warmth that he required before he played in a beach tournament. No better way to do that than to be present first thing in the morning. When Sung, Romeo and I arrived at the beach, we spied him near the lifeguard station all nestled up in a fuzzy beige blanket that was dotted with little blue two-inch elephants. He wore these cute baby blue bunny slippers… one ear on the one slipper was partially chewed… probably the handiwork of a teething or ornery puppy. Sung was about to shake him awake when I remembered reading something about that when someone is in a peaceful slumber you should awaken them gently. I had Romeo caress his cheeks, not with the back of his extended fingers, but with the pads of his fingertips… with soothing… gliding strokes of tenderness. Patrick slowly awoke with a smile of tranquility, and slowly dragged his hand through the sand. He scooped up a handful of the fine and pure sand and let it slowly pour out of his hands as he stared at it with the same awe that one would if he or she were allowing exquisite gold coins to flow from their grasp. He flashed his contagious grin and said, “oh yeah… it’s going to be a good day… I’m in!” We rejoiced! Then Patrick began talking about how beautiful Pluto was last night in the evening sky. We let him go back to sleep for a while longer.

Libby, a “newbie,” missed the 7:45 train out of Penn Station. Most others would have given up and gone back to bed. Not Libby… She opened up a jar of “can-do” attitude and mustered the will to defy that urge. She was going to participate in this tournament no matter what. Upon seeing her train depart, she immediately dashed to the street level and flagged down the first available cab. In this maddening race to beat the train to the beach… Libby and her cab driver broke numerous laws… too many to mention in this very brief recap. Once setting foot on the boardwalk at Long Beach she immediately realized that she had gotten out of the cab far too soon. Libby then sprinted the last two and a half miles to arrive at the site at exactly 9pm! Exhausted, she still found the energy to help set up three of the four nets. In between the proudly displayed her calf muscles, and on several occasions had people come and “feel” had hard they were from all her jungle survival training in the dark and dense jungles of the Philippines when she was a Marine Harrier fighter pilot. She’s all sweet and innocent off the court… but on the court she reverts back to her Marine call sign of “ghost” and she will sneak up on you during match play and destroy you! “Semper Fi.”

Tammy on the other hand was not as lucky as her counterpart. She was pulled over for speeding… I believe the story goes something like this – Tammy’s words:

“So I’m driving along… trying to get her on time… cause I don’t want to do that shot of tequila for being last. I don’t know if he is telling the truth or not about that… I didn’t want to take any chances. I’m flying along this residential street and this cop pulls me over. He walks up to my car and asks me why he pulled me over… I’m trying to think of something that would be a good excuse, but all I could come up with was, “its my birthday today!!” He then tells me that he stopped me because I was doing 87 MPH in a 35 MPH zone. I squinted my eyes and said, “was I really going that fast?” AAAAAHAHAHAHA... oohhhh… he wasn’t amused. He then asked me if I had a PBA card… and I did… but from 1998!!! He examined it and asked me the name of the officer who had given it to me… can you believe… I couldn’t remember!! So I thought… it may have been my friend Carl who gave it to me… the plumber… but I wasn’t sure… so I thought I was only thinking this… but somehow my mouth betrayed me and I blurted out “Carl!” “Carl who?” he asked me. I froze… I couldn’t say the plumber… my mind was freakin’ racing… and then all of a sudden out came… get this… out came … Malden!!… he’s a cop, right? AAAAAAHAHAHAHA!! Carl Malden!! (screaming laughter ensues). He let me go with a warning AAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Rick Gave up on a $976 thousand dollar business deal, sold the Infiniti, paid the plane fare change charges, and arrived in Newark (from Ft Meyers via Dallas, Washington and Chicago) at 2:10 am Saturday morning… just before Patrick snuggled into his jammies at the beach. Rick, happy to be back in NY amongst friends, didn’t see his efforts to play as sacrifices. “I was bored with the Infiniti… and I also have a Dodge Dart that gets 19 MPG and I’m quite happy with it,” he said. Rick added, “That is now my status car and I’m quite proud to drive it!”

As far as the actual tournament… Some highlights:
• Tammy again reliving her traffic incident to the entire group of players.
• E-mail alerts were sent about the typical condition of the first beach tournament of the season. Usually the sand is in horrible condition with much trash, sticks, shells, hypodermic needles, and various body parts strewn just below the surface. That was not the case… picture perfect sand was all that we found. It was so clean it was a challenge just to find a small piece of debris for the opening “shell” game of “choose side or serve.”
• Actual quote, “you know… one year… about the same amount of time that it takes for the sun to rotate around the earth… duh.”
• Cenk started a tournament for the very first time ever at a mark of 0-3!
• The water is still not safe for swimming due to the presence of numerous sea lions and the fact that they have recently been added to the infamously notorious list of animals trying to kill people.
• Departed the restroom at Burger King to hear a familiar female voice around the corner telling the cashier a story about how she dodged a traffic ticket doing 85 in a 25.
• Three hundred cats at the front door way of the Hemingway house refuse to allow the Persians through.
• Several of us experienced a rare “Volleyball Bob” sighting. Fits of uncontrollable rapture were felt by many.
• Two shanked passes landed up on the boardwalk. Safe to say that no harm came to anyone passing by, although one elderly 85 year-old woman was able to quickly side step to safety past one rolling ball.
• Did a shot of Patron with Rick to start the day… and I wasn’t even the last one to show!

Playoffs:
In semi-final action, Court one had the #1 seeded team of Long Beach Chris and Carla the Miami model facing against Patrick and Tammy. On the other court, yours truly had secured the #2 spot for the second week in a row. My fantastic partner this week was none other than Jen Krucher! Our opponents… Darlene and Cenk! Cenk surviving his slow start was beginning to build a little volleyball momentum. These were indeed exciting match-ups!

Before her match, Tammy was quite anxious to “get it on” and to retain her “Queen” status from last week. They felt Patrick would be the perfect stallion to ride in that quest. After testing the sand for warmth, Patrick was ready to play. After that, I didn’t really see much of their match. My assessment of the game they played is this:

Carla with a beautiful roll shot.
Long Beach Chris pounds one down on the line.
Patrick Pounds one back.
Tammy serves an ace on back line.
Carla wears a red ball cap.

Game over… Long Beach Chris and Carla the Miami model win it and advance to the finals!

I’ve retained more from my match… weird how that works. This one is just an absolute struggle. I’m tired and I keep hoping that Cenk is more tired. At one point I relay this important information to Jen. It went something like this, “Jen… I’m tired.” “Me too… but suck it up… we’re in this,” she replied. I feel my lip quiver as I begin to cry. I take a sand time-out to help adjust this hormonal mood swing I’m experiencing. I think of Matt who was still jump serving deep into the playoffs!! With that vision, my spirits are immediately lifted. I spin and return to the position on the court and ready myself for the next serve. It comes at me quickly. I barely get a hand on it as I send my pass to the back left-hand corner of the court. Jen barely gets a hand on it as she sets me. The next second or two is a blur as Jen and I collide, twist and fall to the ground in an exhausted heap. “I’m tired,” she says. I concur. Game over as Cenk, who started 0-3 for the first time ever, and Darlene march forth to the finals! As I sit there on the sand in relief that my day is finally over, I hear Tammy explaining to a few people on the boardwalk about her run-in with the law that morning and how was doing 95 in a 10 MPH zone.

The question was, will the number one seeded team of Long Beach Chris and Carla the Miami model be able to overcome this jinx? I won’t make you wait for the answer to this… the answer is… wait… wait… wait… the answer is no! Cenk and Darlene pull off the upset and are crowned the “King & Queen” of the first Long Beach tournament of the spring season!

Stink & Drink was held at Sutton’s Place. It is a very nice place… I’m somewhat afraid to actually sit on anything. Most of us went there for post tournament beverages… okay… I had to leave early, but that is rare. This could be the normal site for afterwards. Let me know what you think of it? Or should we consider relocated to a less posh place?

In this week’s segment of “Setting the Record Straight,” Eric LeCain writes in response to last week’s “hand model” mystery:

“Yes this is an imposter in the picture holding the cock. I first had this impression when I noticed that hand is white and not to be to blunt but the last time looked at Patrick D. ummmm he was not white. Also Patrick was not at the tournament in which the cock was the trophy. Also I know the hand holding the cock very well.... and how do I know that hand do you ask??... well because its my freakin’ hand and I won the cock that day. So on that particular day it was "my cock in my hand". I mean why would I be holding anyone elses cock and for that matter i think if Patrick D. was holding my cock I would know. So if Patrick would like to hold my cock he will have to win a K&Q, then he can hold it all he wants.... well I guess then it will be his cock so he would probably want to hold on to it or at give it a little squeeze... honestly then I guess I would not really want it anymore… mmmm... well I guess that all depends.”
Eric “The Cock” LeCain

Some folks may look at this photo and think, "he has something stuck in his teeth." I don't. I see a man about to wage another titanic struggle for volleyball court supremacy. He is evaluating the tendencies of his next opponent. Does he or she drop their elbow after they spy the opposing court for holes? Does he clap once before executing a roll shot. Does he not dip as low in the ready stance when he is is unsure of himself? Does her nostril flare just before she gets ready to crush a spike? All of this preparation requires intense focus... or... or it could just be that something really is stuck in his teeth.
















The winners. I apologize for the photo. I've been taking some new medication and some of the perscriber information side effects are constant salivation, demon possession, and the obvious one... loss of camera operating ability.

Invite for the 4/28 Long Beach Tournament #2

The recap for last weekend (4/21) is on its way. Just waiting for the gory details of an off-site interview from Monday... plus I have forgotten who won it. I know it wasn't me... which certainly does narrow it down to about twenty-three... er... twenty-four others.

I consulted Phil Horigan (of the Mystical Merry Men), and he has guaranteed beautiful weather for Saturday. He claimed that it would be in the low 70's! So I say this... Who is in, and who can bring a net? Feel free to reply by post.

May the trash talking begin!

Long Beach... all details are in last Thursday and Friday's post.
9am start time!

Switching Faces

Take a look at the picture, then stand up and walk away from the monitor for about seven to eight paces. Now take a look at the picture again... supposedly the faces will have switched places... oooooo... spooky...

Long Beach Tournament Attendees (4/21)

Tomorrow’s attendees:

For tomorrow we have the following playing at Long Beach!!

Women:
Tammy – 1 net
Chris B.
Carla from Miami
Jill
Darlene
Jen

Men:
Me – 1 net
Graham – 1 net
Zak – 1 net
Sung
Romeo
Matt
Cenkenstein
Chris from Long Beach!
Patrick if the sand is warm enough!

Some logistics:

Take the LIRR out of PENN STATION… should try to catch the 7:45. Take it to the Long Beach stop…. The last on that line… you may have to transfer in Jamaica… but the conductor will gladly explain that.

Once there… face south… walk two blocks to the boardwalk… located near the ocean. Make a right (west), walk past the “lifeguard” station located on the beach… and you will see us just after that.

Also, feel free to sign-up for any tournaments through the "comments" portion of the appriate post!

Anyone else interested in joining us for tomorrow?

Anybody doing anything in the city tonight?

Saturday 4/21 Long Beach Invite

For those that have never seen it, this a glimpse of the coveted trophy displayed by world renown hand model, Patrick Deitz. (Since no headshot was provided in this photo, SAG fees were waived, and the “King & Queen” staff had to only pay hand talent fees. This cost will not be absorbed by the “King & Queen” players/members.)


Here are some interesting stats:

There have been 16 out of 18 days thus far in April where the temperature on average has been almost eight degrees below seasonal norm. Rainfall this month in most areas has exceeded eleven inches. Not much opportunity to play ball in that kind of weather.

With that in mind, what does one do to help alleviate this situation… we call in those wondrous weather wranglers of the old days… Phil Horigan and his band of mystical merry men! Yes, some of you may be too young to remember these guys, but back in the old “King & Queen” days, we called on Phil and his merry team to perform their orgiastic ritual weather magic on a weekly basis (every Thursday night at midnight). Some of you may recall the spring of 98 and 99… absolutely no rain on any of those weekends! I think we held ten tournaments in both of those seasons. So with desperate times come desperate measures… forcing us (Graham, Zak, and me) to enlist the help of Phil once again. Instead of the usual Thursday night performance, we begged them to begin on Wednesday night just in case an additional night was needed due to all of the inclement weather we have had as of late. So last night Phil and his mystical merry men underwent their ritual. This one was especially sultry… an orgiastic ritual above all others… with a slight drizzle in the evening, slippery smooth skin emitted a vaporous steam from the delightfully heated bodily friction that could be seen in the dull yellow door light of the rooftop doorway. I must take a moment to recover since my pulse is now racing…………… now… where was I?

Yes!!! The ritual on the first evening has paid off in a huge way!! Suddenly the skies are going to be blue once again this Saturday with an amazing turn of events! Cast away are they gray and bleak skies of yesterday… and the day before that… and before that… As a matter of fact, the sky will be se clear on this perfect spring day that one will almost be able to see the PLANET of Pluto if one actually has a portable Hubble telescope with that cool new color immersed dark energy imaging feature!

With that mentioned, we would like to invite everyone to the Long Beach “King & Queen” Invitational! Saturday’s temperature is going to be a stunning 66 degrees with a mild seven MPH wind. And bring plenty of suntan lotion, as the UV rating will reach an astonishing level of seven!

All “King & Queen” rules still apply.
$5 for all entrants unless you are bringing a net.
No handsets over the net. A handset must be touched by your partner.

We play just west of National Blvd and the lifeguard station. Can’t miss it… it’s that large building in the middle of the beach with the large sign that reads, “Lifeguard Station.”

Start time is 9am. Last person there owes $10… anyone showing up after 9pm will be required to consume pre-tourney penalty shots of tequila.

For those taking the train out of Penn Station… the last train you can catch, and still be on-time, is the 7:48 to Long Beach.

Okay… who is in? Who can bring a net?

Global Warming Rally Cut Short by Cold Freezing Weather

More than two dozen demonstrators braved cold, wet weather today in NYC to attend a rally designed to draw attention to global warming. Unfortunately, the event was cut short by heavy rain and sleet, said organizer Nat Delgado of the NYC Coalition for Climate Change. "It's kind of disappointing that the weather kept people away," Nat said sadly. She also mentioned that the storm prevented the use of her solar ovens for a potluck picnic, and caused the planned two-hour demonstration to break up after about six or seven minutes of really intense demonstrating.

Tournament in NC Ends Abruptly

A “King of the Beach” tournament held yesterday in Oriental, North Carolina was prematurely halted due to inclement weather. Billy Todd and James Ornton were vying for the coveted “King” status when pelting rain and 40 MPH sustained winds caused the majority of the group to end the tournament with one game left to decide overall winner. Reports claim that Billy Todd, having the same record as James Ornton, was one point ahead in point differential after the second game of three in the finals. He was declared the winner! James Ornton who has been known to sport a fiery temper, once spit in someone’s face during a game, has an enormous ego. His pride would not accept that Billy be declared “King” without actually having played the last game. What made if worse for James was that his partner for the last game was far better than Billy’s. After some plentiful bickering, and a bit of sand kicking, the four players agreed to play the remaining game to determine the rightful heir to the throne that day. With gusts now reaching 75 to 80 MPH the first serve of the fateful last match was blown eastward directly into the awaiting Atlantic Ocean and was lost. Because it was the last ball of the tournament (all other players left immediately), the tournament was halted… and Billy Todd was once again declared the winner!

In a related story… the Boston Marathon will still be held today. Runners will be running the entire race into a 30-40 MPH headwind. Officials are making a couple “stretch of the imagination” predictions on the outcome of today’s race. One, there will be no record setting time today. Two, many people will most likely drop from the race… or just not show… or may not even get out of bed. For me, I will now drive down to the bay to do a quarter mile run or so on already flooded roads for two reasons. I want to get a sense of what it will be like to run in the marathon today, and I want to evaluate Nike’s claims of the “Dry-fit” sports shirt. Supposedly the shirt is to keep you up 63% dryer. We shall see.

Lunchtime Volleyball Tournament Cancelled!

Yes, sad to say... there will be no tourney today at lunch due to the constant downpour. I simply applaud those of you who insisted on playing regardless of weather... but I'm just not feeling it today... sorry.

Recap of 3/31/07 Tournament

Hey Gang!

Many of you have been asking about a tournament this upcoming weekend. Unfortunately, since we do not have permits for April, our game plan was to take the “K&Q” to the beach. However, just when we thought spring had made a triumphant return, winter has snatched back the weather with a vengeance.

It is highly unlikely at this time that there will be a beach tournament this weekend. Even if we did decide to hold one… very few of you would show to play! Weekend temp is to be in the high 40’s with showers. At the park, … ah… maybe… could be do-able… on the beach… slim chance.

We will shoot again for the weekend of 4/21. Hopefully the weather will return to normal seasonal temps of the mid-sixties by then.

Recap for the 3/31 Innwood “King & Queen:”

First order of business: MISSING – Juan Lapeen. 5 foot 6 and 9/16s, weighs 135 pounds, brownish dark hair, does fantastic Mike Tysen impersonations, aka “The Rabbit.” He’s currently a local talk-show personality of the 4th most popular kids variety show in Hayesville, KS!! If found, please bring him to his “Silver Nike” sunglasses. They miss him terribly. Cash reward in the thousands. Also, if by chance you are ever in Haysville, You can catch his show on channel 19 at 4am on Sundays.

The debate over Pluto’s planetary status escalated to a feverish pitch. At the end of the day, we had a vote of five random “King & Queen” players to determine where we stood collectively on the IAU’s decision to demote Pluto from “heavenly and celestial planet” to a loathsome “dwarf planet.” All this just because it had not yet cleared out is orbital neighborhood! Here are the results of that vote:

Bill Bowen:
“And I'm firmly behind the International Astronomical Union's decision. Clearly Pluto has ignored proper procedure for clearing the area of it's orbital path despite numerous warnings through the millennia, first by the single-celled amoeba's, then by the triceratops, and finally, the Chesapeake Bay giant otter. It got what it deserved!” – Very harsh - One “No” vote

Jill Koser:
“It's still truly a planet in our hearts!” – Isn’t she sweet? - One YES, One NO

Chippindale:
“With much sorrow I must decline the invitation to vote because I'm in Namibia.” No comment - Two YES, One No

Graham:
“Pluto is not a planet, and never should have been.” – Succinct - Two YES, Two No

Volleyball Bob:
“People want to know why the last planet wasn’t named after Goofy. It’s a huge misconception that Disney created Goofy long before Pluto. In reality, Goody was created in 1932… he was the disguised audience member with the raucous laugh in the flick "Mickey's Revue.” He went on to perform in 48 cartoons, mostly n the 1940s and 1950s, but he was best known for his series of "How to" cartoons, where he bumbled through the explanations.

Pluto made his debut as a bloodhound in the Mickey Mouse cartoon "The Chain Gang" in 1930… the same year that our last planet was discovered. I don’t think that was a mere coincidence.

Pluto also starred in 48 of his own cartoons.

What baffles me is that Pluto was created as an actual dog character, with no speaking voice, as opposed to Goofy, who was created as a human character… some form of “manimal” really.” - Who knew Bob was so informed of the origins of Disney characters! I never really knew where he was going with this, but I’ll take it as a good thing! – A resounding YES

There you go, with a vote of 3-2, we as a group still believe Pluto to be a planet!!

The Tournament (The Pluto Classic):

Chilly in the morning, but warmed up nicely throughout the day. Scored my first minor sun burn of the year… so the day couldn’t have been too bad!

It was an absolute thrill to see so many new faces… and a lot of old ones. I believe the final tournament count was 67! Great turnout! It was tight, but we did manage to fit all 13 nets.

What’s great about this site is that there are no real conflicts with football or soccer players. They have their own fields and don’t mess with us at all. However, we do need to get Mr. Altman out there… every once in a while we do need a good fight provoked with those very same sporting groups.

Highlights of the day:

• Gus racked up another win!
• Several of the guys were complaining about sensitive red forearms. This occurred every time following a match against Sara.
• Australia will be sending 300 troops to Afghanistan. King Leonidas is impressed!
• Laurence can be a name for both men and woman! It does require a “w” to be a man’s name… Sir Laurence Olivier for example. We do have our new “Laurence” at the “K&Q,” and she is very much a woman… The “Big Lar!” Larry started out slow… a white belt in volleyball (white sashes at vb tourneys are the new “in” thing in vb fashion)… and slowly honed her game until she secured the third seed of the tournament. Not bad for a first outing!
• Bob, Sara and myself managed to knock down a case of Corona before the tenth round!
• Lanky Mike continues to grow. He acknowledges the strange parallel between himself and blades of grass… Montauk fescue to be precise… his words, not mine.
• In a dramatic turn of events, Romeo “cheesed” a ball on the winning game point. His response immediately after his insidious laughter ended, “I didn’t mean to do that!”
• Amy Fletcher proclaimed that she is, “The Amy!” Especially when no other Amy’s are around.
• Actually overheard this conversation: First person asks, “What’s the difference between weather and climate?” The second person replies with, “hmmm… weather is a general term and climate is usually in reference to a region or territory.” First person quickly remarks, “very close… but no… You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate!”
• Dave Latman couldn’t make it due to the need to travel to Florida to represent the dead Jim Morrison in order to obtain a full pardon in his exposure case.
The Playoffs – Semi finals:
#1 Billiad Bowen and Sara were matched up against #4 Eric “The Cockmaster” LeCain and Tammy

#2 Me (can you believe it!!) and Andi challenged Sung (can you believe it!!!!) and Larry

I’ll get to the point; it wasn’t a day for the top seeds. Mr. LeCain, the best damn male player on a men’s net set at woman’s height, was not fooled by Bill’s well disguised roll shot. Despite Sara’s awe dropping digs and thunderous spikes… the #1 seeded team was sent packing.

The situation didn’t provide to be better on the other court. Have I ever mentioned how much I detest playing against Sung? Oh, he’s a great and all, we’ve shared many post tourney beers together… but on the court… he’s becoming some kind of volleyball ninja! Anyway, he’s playing well, and Larry decides it is now time to jump serve. She leaps into the air and lands seven to eight feet inside the court as she blisters a serve down my line… over and over. Andi was definitely getting a little upset with her serving the weaker passer. I easily calmed her down after explaining that I’m still learning that part of the game.

The Final:

Who really cares...

Okay… good and entertaining final… lots of good plays… the crowd was cheering and getting behind their favorites. At the end of the match however, Eric “The Cockmaster” LeCain retained the coveted “rooster” trophy, and Tammy was honored with her first “Queen” victory!

Stink & Drink:

There was one… and it was a lot of fun! I’m not even going to hint to the three different hook-ups that happened that night. You’ll just have to come to the next one!

Fine… talked me into it… some highlights:

• Graham performed four tray shots!
• Car bombs, car bombs, car bombs

Other story: Jeff Altman has finally given up on Tae-Bo. He claims the routine no longer provides the volume of cardio he desires. Instead he is going back to his dancing roots. Next stop… ballroom dancing. His inspiration: former NFL great and last season’s “Dancing With the Stars” champ, Emmitt Smith. Jeff says, “Emmitt has made dancing cool… that it is no longer socially awkward to be a good dancer!” Hey Jeff, where do we sign up?

Pluto Recap:
Still desolate and cold… beginning is two century journey back out into deep space.

Future discussion points:
• If Goofy did arrive after Pluto as Bob claims, then is this some form of Disney-Darwin of evolving dogs?
• How did the Chesapeake Bay giant otter and Triceratops develop sophisticated equipment that allowed them to send warnings to Pluto well before humans were able to deal with oddities such as the wheel and fire?